i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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