Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
