so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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