So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
