I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
