this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
