Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
