You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i was born a porn star she said
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
