rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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