never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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