I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
