So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
