There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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