Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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