I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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