I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
