Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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