I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
