Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
