I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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