She is in my trunk
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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