My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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