The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
