Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
