Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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