i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
