We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
