Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
