Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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