I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize