Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
