well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
