My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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