If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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