is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
