im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
