ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize