he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
