PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
