No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
