96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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