Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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