I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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