I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think your dad took our porno
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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