I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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