Non-Jews are for practice
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
