My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
