So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
