my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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