we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
