So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
