My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
