You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
