you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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