I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she told me i tasted like america
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
