2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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