Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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