he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Found your dick twin last night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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