I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
