Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
