My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just high enough for therapy.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
