I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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