I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
