paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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