I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Houston, we have a squirter
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
