Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize